I’d like to say that I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t really come across such vile men in the last few months, but the truth is just that I’m the worst and life really, really got in the way. I promise you though, this is a good one…
You know that total lie that us girls say to ourselves and everyone else about a guy? You know…the “he’s different from the rest” line? That’s how this story starts.
I met Tiger Woods (again, the name will make sense eventually) online, like always. He was not the typical type I normally go for, and I thought this would be a good thing. I kept telling myself to give him a chance, because he seemed extremely nice and genuine. HA.
After almost a week of asking, I finally agreed to go out with him. We met at a bar after work one day, and actually had a really nice time. Great conversation, told me himself he was looking for something more serious… the whole nine. The first red flag (because we all know I attract the crap out of those) was when he walked me to my car, and put his arms up on my shoulders, almost trapping me. Kinda how high schoolers dance at prom. And he said to me “don’t even pretend you don’t wanna kiss me right now”. I wasn’t pretending. I didn’t want to kiss you, yet I really had no choice since ya trapped me, Tiger.
But it wasn’t horrible. It was nice. Really nice. And I agreed to see him again.
We went on a couple of more dates, and that weekend I went to Pennsylvania to visit my brother at college. He texted me the whole weekend, even watched the football came of the school (it is also my alma mater), and wanted to be on the phone with me as I drove home so I wouldn’t be driving alone. All the right things, and all very sweet things.
Things were going so well. He invited me over to cook dinner for me, and I couldn’t get enough. I kept thinking wow, finally, a great guy!!
…but come on…this is my life.
The day of the home cooked dinner had arrived. Our conversation that morning was normal, and I threw in a “can’t wait to see you later!” to which he didn’t respond to right away. But, he was at work, so that’s what I chalked it up to.
Hours later, he responded with a novel starting with ” you know what, maybe we shouldn’t” and went on and on saying how he thought he was ready for something serious, but he really isn’t. 0 to 100 with this one, I swear.
Honestly, I was not okay over this. This was the first guy who seemed like things could actually go somewhere, I gave him the chance, and this is what happens? I was really, really upset.
I deleted all of my dating apps after this and went on a cleanse, and it felt amazing. Weeks went by…it is now Halloween. I dressed up as Fiona Gallagher from “Shameless” and my friend joked around with me how all I needed to complete the costume was dating apps. My drunk mind unfortunately took that literally, and I downloaded Bumble again.
I woke up the next morning, saw the mistake I made, and continued to swipe. I am so self sabotaging. And low and behold, who do I find? Tiger Woods. I swiped right just out of curiosity and guess what….we matched.
I was fuming. So, you can swipe on me on a dating app, but not text me? I see how it is. I let him sweat a bit and then finally messaged him. Don’t worry, I wasn’t nice at all. But then again, we all know I shouldn’t have even messaged him in the first place. Please see below for receipts. See? I wasn’t nice.
Eventually, he asked me if he could “make it up to me”, and after asking me over and over again, and me constantly turning him down, I gave in. He bought us movie tickets, and told me he was going to come pick me up.
I still didn’t even know if I should go, and I talked to my mom about it. She even said, yeah he was a moron, but give him one more chance, he seemed like a good guy. So I figured, if my mom is saying it, why not. One more chance won’t kill me.
When I say I didn’t even try to look good, I really didn’t. I just did not care at all. It was raining. I walked outside in joggers, sneakers and a sweatshirt, and see good ol’ Tiger Woods standing beside his car. He greets me with a hug that I hardly reciprocate back with, and a kiss on the cheek. And to go the extra mile, he walks around and opens my car door for me. Normally, I’d find that charming, but in this situation it was just annoying. I wanted to scream “stop trying so hard”.
On the way to the movies, he was talking my ear off and I was staring straight ahead responding with one word answers. I was making this kid work. We get to the theater, sit in our seats, and sat back to watch the movie.
The movie was a horror movie, and he hates horror movies, but knew I loved them. So I appreciated that little effort he put in, even though he knew he would hate it.
He took me home, and we sat in his car for a while talking. I didn’t hold back on anything. I told him what he did was a coward move, and he agreed. I told him if he didn’t want this, to tell me instead of straight ghosting me. I told him not to get in his own head and rush things (he was the one who would talk about us meeting each others parents….HIM not me!!) I told him I wasn’t playing anymore.
I let him kiss me goodnight, and I went inside, feeling like we really hit a turning point. I should’ve just did what he did to me and ghosted him right then and there, but I tend to be a weak ass bitch at times.
Tiger Woods and myself continuously saw each other for a few weeks after the movie date, and I’m not going to lie, I really truly believed that this would be different. We talked every day, he was showing interest, everything was great.
To be honest, as we continued to see each other, I think I really wasn’t starting to feel it, but because this was a change in the guys that I normally dated (as in he actually wanted to see me, and get to know me rather then just see how much he could get out of me). But I didn’t even realize it for myself that I wasn’t really feeling him anymore.
Who’s ready to finally understand his name? Tiger and I went on fun dates, like Dave and Busters and bowling type shit. One night, we decided to go mini golfing. Read that again…MINI GOLFING. We weren’t going to the PGA tour.
We pull up to the indoor, glow in the dark, mini golf place, and I walk to the door. I turn around and notice he isn’t behind me. I see his trunk open and him behind it. He starts walking towards me with something in his hand. I couldn’t see what it was until he got closer towards me.
….It was his own golf club. He brought his own fucking putter.
I looked at him and went “You’re joking, right?” to which he responds with “Absolutely not! You think I’m using their crappy putters? Hell no, I came here to win.” Guys, he was dead serious.
He was a competitive person, but so was I so I originally found it cute and fun. Then I started to realize that he really was serious about winning things like mini golf games, air hockey and bowling games. He took his shit seriously, and I was starting to see the not-so-little red flag begin to rise from behind him.
When we walked up to the attendant to get our clubs…i’m sorry, club, and golf balls, the worker literally looked at me and looked at Mr. Woods with his personal fucking putter, then looked back at me with a face as if to say “Girl, run.” I should’ve ran. God dammit I should’ve called an Uber right then and there.
I think I maybe saw him once more after that (I can’t even remember, because I’ve tried checking him out so badly). I started to notice him starting to form a pattern like he did the first time. Rarely texting me, texting me in short sentences, always not able to hang out. I’ve been through this before, I was catching on.
Finally, I called him out. And like the coward he was before, it took him for me to say “What’s going on? You’re not acting right” for him to give me the song and dance about how he just “isn’t feeling us”. To be honest, I was more angry that I didn’t do it first.
I wasn’t going to be nice, and I wasn’t. Then I noticed that my last few messages to him weren’t sending. Odd. I checked snapchat, he was gone. I checked Instagram, he was gone. Yupp, this mother fucker blocked me on everything. I was laughing hysterically on my bed at the pettiness. Part of me respected it, and the other part, again wished that I had thought of it first.
Tiger Woods, you were an interesting one. You first had me smitten and heartbroken within a week, and then you had me rolling my eyes and laughing at your immaturity. I’d say I hope you see this so you could know how I really feel (you know, since you don’t know because you blocked my number and never received those messages), but you probably never will. And if you do? Don’t reach out. Take your putter and red flags. No one wants them.