Gaining A Young Angel- Trying To Make Sense Of It All

Unfortunately, I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my 25 years of life. Both personally, and with my friends. I have watched people I love have their lives destroyed over sudden deaths of their loved ones, and I can tell you this…one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with is watching someone I love in so much pain, and not being able to do anything to fix it.

On November 19, 2018, I- along with dozens upon dozens of other people- gained a beautiful, young angel named Nicky. My best friend was the one who called to tell me. The words came out of her mouth, and no sound was coming out of mine. I was speechless, in shock, and completely heartbroken.

I met Nicky when I was 17, and he was 14. We worked at the same summer camp, and that summer, the close, tight knit group I was in formed. Nicky was apart of it, and in many ways, Nicky was the glue that held that group together.

He was such a vibrant kid, always smiling and never sitting still. He loved working at the camp, loved being around the kids and all of us. That summer was one of the best summers of my life, and he was apart of it all.

For years, Nicky was like a little brother to me. He was equally lovable and annoying, exactly how a little brother is to you. I loved that kid. I loved that kid so much.

I went away to college, things change a bit. He had his group of friends, I had mine, we didn’t hang out as much. But that never changed the way he would scream “Tayllllllll!” when he would see me anywhere, and just like that, it was as if no time passed at all.

The night that he died is a feeling I don’t think I can ever fully describe. My body felt numb, and it’s like every memory I ever made with him was on a replay in my head. I couldn’t stop looking at pictures and watching videos of him, and us, and of that group.

Just like that, he was gone. It just didn’t seem real. A lot of regret started to pour over me, too. I kept getting mad at myself that I hadn’t seen him in a long time, and how I should have made more of an effort to see him more. But that slowly started eating away at me, and I couldn’t let it.

I had the memories to hold onto, and I was so thankful for that, because they were some pretty amazing memories. And seeing how loved he was, was amazing. I had never seen a church so packed for a funeral in my life, and it was all for our angel.

How does one actually move on from a loss like this? I still don’t have an answer to that. I think about him almost every day. Sometimes a song will come on that reminds me of him, and I’ll start to softly cry, but then smile because I know it’s him.

Losing anyone is hard, losing someone this young, however, is torture and should never be experienced by anyone. I just always hope that Nicky knew how loved he was and still is.

I thank him for that summer, and the summers after that at the camp, and the many years that I so luckily shared with him. We are all so lucky that we have those memories, and they’re all amazing memories.

I thank my angels that I have here with me, and my angel looking over me. You will never be forgotten.

 

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